Hi there.

Hi there. 

It has indeed been the longest time I have touched on this website but whenever chance is given, I will look into this website and re-read what were my thoughts, and secretly smiled and ponder about those memories. It's nearly a year as to the last update, and I thought of how fast time passes, through the good and bad times, time wait for no man. 

Recently, I realized the things that are of the most precious to me. And I truly hope they stay close to me forever. 

Just a few days back, it was my precious's birthday and the planning was certainly not easy. From confirming the number of people coming for this party to the hotel, food and decoration was really not easy. But seeing the wide smile and his soft 'thank you' by my ear eased all my hardwork and efforts. I am glad you enjoyed this ever party I have planned for you and here's to more milestones together, love. 

I am sure 2016 will continue to strive in my own ways and I can't wait to see what has it got in hold for me. 

You and I.

I hope it's for the one last time. 

These few months have been of such ups and downs, and for the first time after so long, I saw the monster resurfacing once again. All along, it has been hide away in a very faraway land, I thought I could keep it well, keep it safe. With all sorts of emotions happening recently, i guessed i could proudly say that, I am really enjoying my life to the fullest right now. 

And of course, i would have to start with my happiness. 

You came so unknowingly, so quietly creeping behind me, watching over me, watching over the smallest action I have done to ensure I am all safe and sound, staying up late just because I am not yet homed, getting fat with me for the first few months just because I am a new resident to this residence area. There are so many more things that you have done, and I am honestly so thankful for you. Other than thank you, it will still be thank you. I want to pen this down because in 10 years time, I want to not only thank you, but to remind myself to thank myself for allowing you into my life. As much as I want to keep our relationship the way we were during the first few months, all those that happened these few weeks gave me a great push to let the world know about us. I was really ready to take on any challenges because I know you are going to stay by my side, and so you were, just like how you always assure me. Never did I imagine someday, me and you will into 'us', and I promise to work on our relationship as long as I can. No one is able to predict what will happen the very next day, just like what you always tell me, the reason behind why you are treating me like your princess every single day. I apologize for all the unnecessary quarrels we had just because of my silly and childish actions, but this agony in me after all those quarrels made me realized, what exactly I want in my life. 

And yes, right now, no one else other than you. 

I hate myself for having such a bad memory, for not remembering every single thing you have done, but never would i forget.. 

The way you tried to fart in my face to see me screaming hysterically, the way you always try to tease me with the way you hold my hand, the way you mimic me when we kiss, the way you always try to act as though you have abs when all you have got is fats, the way you always get jealous over the slightest issue, how you always want to pinch me after i burp in your face, how you would stop eating and rush to the toilet just because i was in the midst of vomiting, how you would rush over to my place to talk things out just because I wanted to leave you, how you put down your pride just to tell me how much you want me to stay in your life. 

There are so many other things I am thankful for you, and I promise to make us go a long way. I am so blessed to have you because you constantly make me so happy with us and with myself, and even though I always make you so frustrated, you never once wanted to give up on me. Thank you, xuanliang. 

Not forgetting, I was pretty much on my lowest point these few days, nearly on my knees, and finally I had the chance to tell xuanliang how i felt just the day before. I am glad he understood and promised to stay by my side, as usual. Like what others tell me, this is the phase I will have to undergo during my honeymoon period but it killed me entirely recently. I could no longer keep in the stress because it is ruining my emotions very badly and I know I must let this out sooner or later. Being numb to almost everything happening in your life can a pretty frustrating issue as you are no longer aware of this ride you are taking, and all you are doing now is to be a walking zombie. Tell me, how can one even bottle such stress any longer? Workload has been accumulating and yet the drive to go on in life is almost can't be seen... Before I went to bed the previous night, i told myself to keep away from these negativity and find the light at the end of the tunnel because if I refrain myself from doing that, I will be the one who is suffering. Furthermore, with several pushes from xuanliang and friends, I know I will walk out of this darkness. 

Everything will not break, crystal. 

Having all these thoughts at nearly 2am with attachment starting later at 9am, it's pretty crazy to see how much I have grown, from someone who's solely depending her happiness on another person to someone who is able to give and take in order for a mutual happiness to happen. I know at times, it is inevitable to feel afraid to be in your ghost town, where it gets cold and no one is there to give you a helping hand. but always remind yourself, grab onto yourself and you will be alright. 

All in all, there are indeed no guide or facilitation manual in life to teach us how to live. It is only when we start to live, then we can write down the secret recipe to our happiness. & always remember, everyone is fighting their own battles, so be kind to one another. 

Time to start feeling happy everyone!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Why?

It has been really long since i stepped onto this space but i love how private this can be right now. :-) so here i am, back for some updates!! BUT REALLY SORRY IF THIS POST IS A LITTLE BIT UPSETTING

As much as i am enjoying my time with you right now, i couldn't deny how worried I am for us. I have learnt how to love through the hard way and certainly i see the sincerity in you which is persuading me to go on. 

I wish to love you better but 

I am so afraid, there's this fear in me which is holding me back so badly that i wanna leave. I want the best for you, i want the change in you to be seen by everyone else, not just me. I was taught how to love, and i am definitely disallowing myself to hurt you. It has always been a two-way love but it's inflicting so much pain right now.. Why? 

For the past few months it has been a struggle between several things. The constant comparison in thinking and behaviours, i shoved them aside because honestly you are so different. We started off so differently, and you make me so proud when i tell others about you. And thats what makes you special. I want the genuine you to face the world, and not what is happening right now- you avoiding from every single thing. 

You are not just a replacement, my dear. 

April has been a tough month, or a relatively harder month for me to sail through because of all the events that are happening concurrently. I know it clearly that all are within my qualms but who am i kidding when the only thing i always wanted to do at the end of the day is to hit my pillow and vent my emotions? 

I need to find myself again. 

On a side note, taiwan trip was meant to be a relaxing vacation but i just cant seem to put my tasks down in singapore.. 

Some visuals for you guys!!!! 

More are up on my facebook as my mom is so active on fb i cant even comprehend why?!?! IT'S LIKE A TREND AMONG THE AUNTIES HAHAHAHAHAHA

Funny how time likes to play with us, how it pulls us apart before we gravitate back to each other again. Regardless of how long this thing is going to take, I hope both of us stay clear of our goals and stay throughout. 

Hold on tight please 

The real fear, the one I never talk about because saying it or writing it forces me to acknowledge it, is that you never really loved me in the first place. 

You wanted me as a placeholder, as a way to move on from something, as a transitional period. 

And I fear that it is because of this — because of the elusive thing I may have never actually had — 

that I will love you forever.

My kind of 2014. :-)

IT WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL, IT WAS SOMETHING MEMORABLE, IT WAS SOMETHING I'D KEEP FOREVER. IT WAS 2014. :-) 

Looking back to last year's post before 2014 arrived, I promised myself to be more appreciative and to love others even more. There were more resolutions written on my planner but come to think of it, I have really did what I promised to myself. I learn a little more than yesterday everyday, and this year marks the year I really learnt how to love myself more, and how I have come to terms that it's normal for people to come and go. It was this year, that taught me how to love as well. 

A pity that there are still some things I could not fulfill in the year of 2014 such as travelling, but still, 2014 has still been an incredible year. 

January - 
I had memory of January starting really well with the countdown where things happened because I met the first you. Honestly 'we' have never ever crossed over my mind and I thought it was gonna be nothing between us after that night but instead, we took a step further. Along with work that I have been going almost everyday before poly starts , my January started to be a little bit more wonderful with the presence of you. We started going on dates and I thought we were turning out well. Meanwhile, i did went out with my secondary school mates but I am very sorry for the lack of photos during this month! As days passed, there was something in you that's stopping me to love you but I went on, I was totally clueless on what i meant to you but we both liked the way our relationship was. Stupid, i know. :-) 

February - 
This month marked the Lunar Chinese New year and my friendship with my secondary school friends was heightened when we constantly went out to shop for our new year clothing! I remember these few months to be really enjoyable and free because I have nothing to worry in my life, like.. literally nothing. :-) If i am not wrong, I quit my job and headed for another one which i really fancy, as well as working banquet! Not to forget, it was my darling evelyn and rochelle brithday which just nice falls one day right after another. I had some quality time spent with the two different groups as firstly, I got closer to joelene, andrienn and some other new friends I met during countdown and our friendship was really on some fireworks whereas on the other hand, time spent with my clique is never mundane, it's always something i will anticipate. :-) Also, I spent my valentine's day with this someone I wouldnt want to expose but again, it was nice for him to ask me out and make sure I felt like a princess that day. Even though things never got to work out, it was still a great experience. :-) The month passed quickly with really lots of outings, especially with you. We went so many places, including your orientation, your new school, meeting your friends. Even though things got rocky I was still glad we did take out some time to settle them, and despite the fact that we were still trying to entirely trust and love each other, I felt happiness for that short period of time. Oh, and very importantly, I was missing some people really much because many of them were working so hectically and it was really hard for us to meet up!!! & also, there was another you coming which i didn't expect :-).

 
March -
March started a little bit wild with my usual girls and it was a great virgin experience to this!! More work came in as with more outings, i would certainly need more money and that explains why I started to go for more events jobs! This month started kind of bad with things ended with you from our rocky stage but again, it was a lesson learnt, where it taught me something indeed. I moved on, and with the support from my loved ones, i started having more meet ups with people i missed dearly and the clique was especially encouraging. not forgetting, my bitches and besties, but not fel peh as she was really busy with her secondary five work! I understood and tried to really find other ways to vent out whatever I had within me and this was when i did what i promised to myself. I learn to love others more, i learn to be more appreciative. Throughout this month, I remember going to more parties than i should ever and twin was slowly becoming my party partner as well??? Even though there were times things got really tough between us, I am glad we both still tried to keep the friendship going twin, love u always :-') I remembered this month started with sissy's engagement which I was really proud of ((ok this sounds weird but i am proud that she's engaging??)) Then there was another you, the you who talked to me since january whom I took no notice, who had secretly creeped into my heart and carved a spot. However, it was nothing but you were there when the previous him left, you filled my emptiness, and because of this I felt that I shouldn't jump into anything with you. Meanwhile, i started to grow something for you because i started to be more open-minded about things but due to some great barriers, I was still not ready. & I know, I will never ever be ready even though how much I love you. And yes, you were the first ever guy I used the word love on you. You did something there, and I was slowly making my way to your side as well. But it was never easy, I had some other guys that time and never did i wanted to have anything with any of you because i know whatever decision i made, it was definitely a rash and stupid one. I then stepped back and kept my love for you to myself, even though we started going out for dates and all, i never really opened up to you as i was afraid. Like really really afraid because of the huge barrier we have got, and there was practically no one i could seek during this period of time because it was just so tough for me to explain this complicated situation for them. You are really different, you are seriously one I can never have again, the first ever guy who got me so easily because i just felt this special thing between us. On a side note, I started to love cafe hopping as ever before and my buddies were different from time to time and this was when I started become closer to le BFFFFFFL, which I think was the best choice i made this year??? HAHAHA KIDDING CANNOT FLATTER HIM ;-) I can't deny that I felt kind of loved during this month because of all the people around me and the more i got closer to you, the more i was afraid. Not forgetting, I was really dreading the arrival of poly life. And there, it was something new again. There were just too many new things I did this year, honestly. All in all, March allowed me to see how much love people had for me, and how much I was willing to return. To be honest, March was indeed my one of my favourite month despite losing the first you. 

April -
Then april followed quickly, with a busier schedule of orientation and what's not due to an entirely new environment. My secondary school mates were all starting to be busy with their school orientations but specifically I remembered about April was all the happy days with you, all the times we squeezed out for each other, more meet-ups with people I can and especially my orientation @ NP. :-) I liked April especially because even though we are going to be separated into different schools, i still fancy the security you gave me, i was so into you but again, i was afraid. I couldn't cross those barriers within me, and somehow or another, I know there was something in you that you couldn't pass as well. I was cool with it, I thought time could heal both of us, I thought time could allow both of us to really accept one another. I was loving the love we had, or at least for me because I know no one made me felt like how you did. I was a happy me, I was really enjoying to the fullest before the start of school. But as usual, being the stupid me, i did so many foolish things just to get your assurances, all the foolish stuffs i wished i didn't do for I doubted what you had for me was real, all the unnecessary insecurities i had from time to time that led us to bad terms at times, i wished i erased all of them off. I was so foolish back then. Then not any sooner, poly life started on the 21st of April. Nearing to the end of april, i was anticipating school yet at the same time, really wanna just stay at my comfort zone and not meet anyone new. But i guess it was tough for me as for an outgoing introvert like me (yes oxymoron i know), i like to know more people, i like to know and feel how different people can bring about different happiness to me. And it was during my orientation that i signed up for dragon boat due to my senior, which was indeed one of the best choices I made in 2014. Dragonboat trainings started real quickly and with that, I got into contact with even more people and by far it was really something I am very thankful for. Amongst the busy schedule I still squeezed time out for some meetups with my loved ones! Poly life kicks in where I met really nice classmates, where i met this special group of girls in class, where i met these two jiejies in class who I love to annoy, where i met a special group of ladies who are so never giving up despite physically exhausted, where i met people with genuine hearts, as well as people who are as fake as me being a billionaire la hor??? School was turning out well, with me slowly getting used to this totally new environment, protecting myself by wrapping my heart and image by a nice front to every single one because i was really not sure who to befriends with i guess? at the same time, there wasn't anyone who's in my course or anything hence this strangers anxiety level was super high guys.. please remember the fact that I am an introvert by nature!!! More camps came during this month and with academic side starting really soon, April went passed in a blink of us and I was still glad things were still going well. And in two weeks time.. guess what? It's my birthday month!!!

 ^ They say friends for 7 years and above stay forever, & I know this girl over here would. We do not meet or talk often but whenever bad times strike, I know who I can go to. I would press "Kimmy" on my whatsapp and there i go, ranting like nobody business but she will instantly reply me with all the assurances she can give. No amount of gratitude can express my love for her. Thank you for sticking through another year, bestie oon xx

 ^ Jioh left us for good to Australia which caused nearly 20-30 of us crying at the airport which I could never forget..
"Goodbye means gone forever, so it's just a see you soon bro. "

 ^ Thank you for your annoyance and bullshits throughout the past one year that we had indeed grew closer, and even thank you for the great memories you never failed to give me. You are the only one who takes my house like yours, who treat my family members better than me and the only one who can give me such different security.

 MAY!!!!!! 

May started off really well as my birthday was on the second and I was blessed with the love I received. Assignments started rushing in and deadlines to meet and work to handle and more meetups with the people around you, I started to drift away from you. Towards the end of May we were so rocky and never did I think of mending things with you at that point of time. Stupid of me but I still thank God for the presence of you for your support and reassurances never failed to put on a smile on me. May was when I started to be closer to my bffffffl who is another person I shall explain later why I am grateful for. :-) May passed by quickly fast as well and to be honest it has been an up-and-down month for me!

^ Someone whom I know in 10 years time, we can still call each other at ungodly hours just for supper. :-) 

June -- 
The lovely girls in class and dragonboat kept me going through this tough month because it was where we ended. At the same time, I lost the other you, period, as well. It was a  horrendous week during June that I lost all motivation to keep going and all I did was cry and cry and more crying during showers or talking to friends because the two that I adore most left one after another. This was a very good lesson learnt and I no longer dwell on the fact that people leave. Slowly, I accept this truth and learned to compromise amongst curves and imperfections. I stopped wishing for anything or even worse, I no longer hope for anything at that point of time. Everything came crashing down at such bad timing and I could not speak to someone because whenever i tried to explain, i will end up crying like some lost kid... HAHAHAHA this was my bad June but on a side note, there are still many happy events I ought to be feeling joyful for but all those bad stuffs are too overwhelming. I was glad June passed and I start to pull myself together with the help of my favorites around me.& oh, this month marked the period of selling house as I am moving in months to come!

 ^ No idea if this asshole here is gonna view this but like what i said, you are one present Santa gave me earlier at the start of the year. All the supper sessions, impromptu meetups just because we literally stay beside one another in the past, all the late night chitchat sessions, I longed for them to be back once again. But I believe distance will never pull us apart, for you do stand one special place in somewhere of my heart. Please take good care of yourself when your jiejie over here gets a little bit caught up with life. :-)

 ^ and below are the people whom I would never want to leave. People in MF have created tons of memories I'd give up anything for, and no wonder they said secondary school friends are friends for life. :-') 

^ Family has always been a love and despite not posting much of them on social media, those close ones would know how much I love and am thankful for my family. & this year proved to me that at the end of the day, family will always be the one supporting you, guiding you through the dark times. :-)

July --
This month was where I really want to make myself feel better and started putting all the pieces up together. The road of recovery was certainly not easy but there again, because of the support and love from people around me, I was aware of my ability to overcome this. Amidst this tough period, there was another you who came into my life. Again, you filled that void in my heart but never could you take over. I was extremely thankful for what you have done, for not giving up on me despite all the problems and issues I caused you, all the troubles you have took just to see me for awhile. & because of you, I was even sure I could get through the tough period on myself, for getting back on my own feet is definitely what I would want to see. I celebrated my dearest chantalle birthday this month as well as some of my poly babes' ones! At the same time, I used the people around me as distractions and I kept myself so busy that at the end of the day, I could just sleep without my emotions eating me up. As july passed, I see myself as a stronger me day by day. :-) 

August --
It was the exams month before sem 1.1 officially ended and saying hi to holidays after exams was something I was anticipating since start of the piling up of assignments!!! :-( and look how time flies? I am already ending sem 1.1... Nevertheless, amongst the rushing of assignments to meet the deadlines, august has been a wonderful month with people around me, yet again. It has been nearly three months I lost you, and with some other people, I am walking out of your shadow. The one who left came back and the one who came, eventually left. I learned to be cool with it and take things easy. I no longer cry over such issues and instead, I take stride in them and grew into a better person. Exams ended by the end of this month and yay to the long awaited holidays that will last until end of october!! & definitely I would need some time to unwind and there you go, some visuals again! OH AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WENT TO COLOR RUN!!!!!! ((apparently i can't find the photos but it was one of the best experience ever!!!))

 ^ Celebrated the bffffl birthday together with xuanliang and weihong where we popped over at his crib before heading for some dinner together! A simple celebration which I promised will be a better one next year during his legal but I wanna use this platform to really pen down my gratitude for him. He was the one who kept on telling me things won't matter in three months time, in a year time, the one who treats me like his princess, the one who notices all the small little things i said or do just because he said I am his bffffl, the one who supported me ever since I needed someone, the one who's so overly protective, the one who keeps asking me out for cafe hopping while calling me fat fuck, the only one I can be so ugly yet so comfortable with. Thank you bitch you know how grateful I am, surely.

 ^ met up with my dearest bbg as well for her legal this year, and I was proud of the gift I got for her ;-) Repeatedly, she has reminded me again and again how thankful she is to have such ordinary friendship with me where we merely meet less than 5 times a year and yet we could always picked up from where we have stopped. Nothing changes every single time we meet and we both are truthfully awed by this unknown love we have for each other. Thank you for guiding me through the hard times, giving me advices and caring for me like your sister. Extremely glad to have you. :-) 

 ^ Celebrated felbae's birthday the next day as well and again, she's another one I ought to be grateful for. Throughout 2014, she was really busy with her o levels and that explains why she has been lacking on my life but nevertheless, she took the efforts to ask about me whenever now and then among her stress for the national exam. & right now, I am soooooo over the moon that we are back to such close terms and even working together! Once again, I guess I need not to explain the friendship we have but this road with her is gonna be long, I can see that. :-)

 ^ What can be better than being together with the four of them? 

Sept --

Holidays started and which means.. work!!! Time to earn some money for my cafe hopping ^_^  Barely remembered what happened during september but... there you go for some pictures that show you how my september went! Very important, I had a family photoshoot for my sissy's degree graduation and i am so proud of her! On a side note, I remember I was kind of slowly putting you at the back of my mind and go on with life but from time to time, those emotions still resurfaced. It was not exactly an unhappy thing anymore because people are showering me way much love than I deserve. ;-) not forgetting, dragonboat has quietly creeped into an important place in my heart and throughout the next few months, it had taught me so much. All the tears, all the sweat, all the waking up at fucking 5plus in the morning, all the financial sacrifices I have made and contributed, made 2014 an even better year. 

 October to December -- 
 Decided to put these 3 months together because I can say, it's the best time in 2014, and I would love to collate all my happiness together in one post. From october onwards, I started to have more exposure to competitions in dragonboat and with my freshies and seniors, we trained and fought so hard that I find it so amazing, I find myself overcoming my physical pains I would always get during trainings because everyone is encouraging me and hence I should not give up. & then there were more camps during the holidays that gave me the opportunity to know more people and widen my social circle which as well increases my instagram followers ;-) & then there were more performances by my friends which i would always try my best to support, not forgetting the goosebumps and smile on me whenever I see them being all so successful. I have even more outings with my friends because of the common holiday throughout poly and JC right now, where I went to Halloween Horror Night for the first time with my 3 idiots, zoo with my beautifuls, partying and doing what's wrong with the usuals, stayovers, cafehops with the bfffl and just yesterday, I headed to Jurong Bird Park with my 3 idiots once again. Decemeber has been extremely great for me as I embarked on this #31daysofhappiness on my dayre (dayre.me/bluerosesvalentinez) should you not know of this. :) & also, I had a change of my attachment centre which I was not fond of it in the first place because I have already fostered such close bond with my children at my previous centre and it was rude for the school to just change my centre without prior notice. However, the children at the new centre have erased the thought entirely off my mind. They brought so much joy and happiness to me weekly that I feel sad leaving them when year 2 comes. They have also taught me the tiniest happiness one should feel, and not like us, who tend to expect so much in life that we missed out the little things in life we should appreciate and be grateful for. :) I celebrated my dearest tricia and huiwen birthday, as well as tong's birthday which got me so busy throughout december! Not forgetting, the joyful season of christmas had just passed and I had such an enjoyable time with my favourites at my place, also with my beautifuls at ginn's place! All in all, these few months have been such a ride and yes, I have now become a happier crystal, not one who used to be constantly crying over people who come into my life as and when they like, and instead, one who is now protective of her heart, who now knows who to beware of, who to not let into her heart. Throughout these three months, here are some pictures for you! 

 ^ Someone who promised to walk many more 365 days with me, I am extremely thankful to have you sticking around. 

& today, the last day of 2014, marks the end of my 17 years old year and here, I am highly anticipating towards my legal year, and a better me in the year of 2015. :-) Once again, I am beyond thankful for the group of people who stayed throughout and you do know who you are because I have always remind you all how I would be nothing if it was not because of you guys. Also, I do not blame anyone or myself anymore for what happened in 2014 because they have all taught me such valuable lesson that school has never taught me. I learnt how to cope with life and all the bad days even how I prevented them from reaching me. The crystal now looks forward to my 2015 New Year Resolutions which I am so hyped to fulfill them in the new year! I always find new year a magical moment as it seems like a brand new chance to start afresh and leave the past behind me, start doing things I promised to do, and stop doing things I shouldn't do. With the arrival of the new year, I hope for nothing but happiness and success, together with my loved ones around me. 

Thank you for reading this lengthy post, with some elements of sadness every now and then that may dampen your mood but here it is, this is my kind of 2014, with all sorts of emotions that I am glad they happened. 

Have a great year ahead to you who's reading this right now!