Probably that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

Loving meaningful days that i get to spend with my sweethearts, be it short or long. Have been working all day long with wenning and finally had a day off and decided to spend my day with this girl of mine. Caught endless love with her((seems gay but hehe i love her)) The day was so great until something happened at night which we two will always laugh upon mentioning i guess :-) 

Life is so mundance without meeting my happy pills recently, is it always true that people can't stay forever? I always thought i could seek refuge in other things and not make this little space so filled with negativity but it has become a habit for me to express myself truely through my long or short posts. This vicious cycle repeats, when new people come in the old ones leave, you tried to maintain with the new ones and accidentally neglected the old ones, and to the extent that nothing can seems to save it. How upset. I feel so sorry for them, for how much i always accidentally neglect them, for how selfish i get, for how much i thought i had contributed but actually i did shit at all, for how i always take people for granted, and for how whiny i get when nobody seems to be there but actually i basically pushed everyone away.

I am so apologetic towards my heart, for always disagreeing with where my brain heads and have it wrenched over and over again.  How suffocating at times when i know basically i could do nothing about some things and just let it pass by me like this. I always believe that as long as people put in that effort, all can stay. 

Hating nights like this when i know this thinking just rolls into a bigger snowball as time passes. There's just this part in me telling me that i need to save myself from all these and yet another part of me just love to drown into all these thoughts. Always a question to ponder, what's with humans? Why is it that many of us can't save ourselves, why is it that we are always allowing our emotions to take over us, why is it that we let those emotions have a bigger say? 

I will continue to try, no matter how tough this may get because i know i can never ever afford to lose anyone of you. & by that, i mean every single one of you that are really important to me. I hate losing people, the number is increasing and i hated myself for that. Am i really that bad at keeping people? 

& only now, i realized how foolish i was to be unhappy during the past whereby everything was so perfect as compared to now. Those pieces were intact, just look at now, they are all over the ground, they hurt so much. But no, i am picking them up.

Things will get better tomorrow, right? At least for the fact that elder sis is getting her solemnization done tomorrow, gently put a smile on my face. :-)