The urgent urge to pen these current annoying thoughts running on my mind right now. This feeling is killing me so badly that i need to vent it out. Don't mind guys, but first some visuals to update!!!

School has been really really busy and tiring with all the assignments deadlines and the test that had just passed. Still, girls in class and people around me are really very nice, and i know that's what keeps me going. Poly life really ain't easy at all, especially how i need to get used to this type of heavily assignment-based course. Term break is next week and yet we have so many assignments due right after this break. WHAT BREAK IS THIS GUYS TELL ME 

Other than school i am really loving how my friends and i just pick out some time for one another out of our really busy schedule!!! Right here i sincerely thank those who actually put in the effort to talk and ask how am i, even more to those who asked me out. :-) & i can't wait to meet my girls, it has been so long ever since we met. But times like this I realized, how much they meant to me, not the usual me who always emphasizes that they matter, but those type of absence makes the heart grow really fonder type of importance. Times like this I also come to the point that i am a really blessed lady with so many people around me, i am really grateful for everyone, especially during such hard times. Those laughters and love people are giving me, how i love them. Those simple gestures of " eh cheerup leh" are so overwhelming,i guess this is what people mean by appreciating the small little things in life. Only then, we will be happy. 

       

I have to be honest right now, this feeling never left me. It stayed with me ever since a long time ago. No matter how hard i try to kick this frustration in me off, it stays, it doesn't want to leave me. It pricks me so hard to see how i ruined every single thing in my life. I hate myself, how i often come to the point of losing every single one in my life at once. I hate myself for not appreciating what's nice and in piece at the first place, i hate myself for not appreciating people efforts right from the beginning, i hate how i always take people for granted and when they leave, i complain. Just when can i come to my senses that i have to stop hurting people. Just when can i stop hurting people with my words, with my ignorance. This feeling is totally indescribable, just imagine how perfect things were, and knowing that your actions destroyed the whole image, you just want to hibernate forever. When is it that i can stop deceiving myself that i am not the one that caused all these to happen, when? Why is it that i could not even find words to convey my feelings but only drown myself in what is wrong to curb my sadness? Why is it that i just go on hurting people just to cover up my vulnerable side? I just want to stop all these, i need to digest the fact that this is our fucked up society, we hurt people just because people hurt us. So so much emotions running in me right now, i don't wanna show it out. I forbid myself in releasing them out, but fucking hell it hurts a fucking whole lot. I should stop thinking that i gave in a whole fucking lot when the other party just thinks i am not even putting in any efforts. And this is the exact reason why people stop trying. 

Just this. This so much. Now then i realized how fortunate and blessed i was, as compared to now when i have to pick all my shattered pieces up to face the world every single day, it's fucking hell tiring. Then again, i see how everyone is feeling the same, and i wonder why. Why is it so hard for every single one of us to gain what we want. That little bit of happiness. It all boils down to something, we are all seeking our own happiness. So don't hinder in others way when they are searching for it, especially if they found it. And right now, who am i to stand in your way? Just because we are strangers with so much memories, who know each other really well, or just because i want to? So is it just me, or even you, who do not want to put this in our past? I just keep on building and building more walls, so sorry to all those who try to come in. Just because i am someone who treasure all type of ships, it doesn't necessary mean i will always hold people back. If you are so insisted in leaving, it's already in you, that you want to leave. So go ahead, don't ever fucking look back then, don't ever try to come back and mend these broken pieces

Fuck this i can't go on anymore